Source of my constant dissatisfaction: Spiritual Barren-ness

Yeap. That's the answer. I have been feeling really sick and tired of my constant dissatisfaction with life. Found the answer, hit me hard in my heart, via Pastor Tan's sermon last night. Found the answer - Spiritual Barren-ness, and re-realised the solution - P.U.S.H - Pray Until Something Happens.

I knew it. My spirtual life and my prayer life is way down hill. Sorry God. I didn't rely on the Holy Spirit.

I may be real hardworking at my job and really, these days, the management takes notice of me and my contributions and are vocal about giving me the recognition. Recently, due to some situation, my big boss told me that my advice has helped to bring 100 mio into the bank (don't know which currency though, probably SGD or CHF). Wow. Was feeling over the top for a moment and was re-considering my resignation. But but... the euphoria dies within the day, by night time, I still felt dissatisfied. I worked hard and until late almost everyday. And I am good in my job. Got the recognition from people and management, but but I felt that I have not done anything, despite doing many things in the office. Dissatisfaction. Why? I found the answer last night.

Spirtual Barren-ness.

Simply unacceptable.

I want to see souls saved! I want to be used as a tool to bring people into God's Kingdom. I want to see them in heaven.

I have resigned. I was struggling with my decision to resign because my boss and my banker are darn good to me. And I have peace and quietness in my current working environment. "Free" from politics, cos I chose not to listen and chose to stay away from political stuff. But I am so busy, that I don't have time to make new friends, let alone have lunch even. And working till late at night gives me little time for anything else. Just to make it to Pastor Tan's sermon on a Friday night, meant that I have to take 1/2 day leave, otherwise, it will be a real struggle to make it to the service even. I have little time and energy to worship and pray. I want, but my flesh is so weak. By the end of the work day, I am physically exhausted, but mentally, I know I have done little. Even worse for spirtually, I have done absolutely nothing. And my current colleagues... gosh, most of them are Christians. Other Christians may jump for joy at this, but not me, I want non-Christians. Haha!

I want to be close to the Holy Spirit again. I want to hear His voice like I used to. I remembered those times. So real. And really, I thank God for those days, when I could hear the still small voice and then see things in the natural. Personal experiences with the Author of my faith made me resolved never to let God go, even in times when I don't hear the still small voice. Because I have experienced His realness. No doubts about it.

I got my new job. Was told that the intensity is only 20% of my current job and can go home on time and can have time for lunch. Systems are lousy. But I will work hard to improve things. And I can still do the advisory work that I enjoy. And best of all, I can have time to influence new friends (hopefully they are not Christians) and can have time to worship God with my strength and energy.

I am not sure if my thinking is right. So God, show me if I am wrong, let me see things in Your perspectives.

I love Jesus!

and my lovely friend, D, is more than well ;)